Emotional Blackmail: When Regina George and Other “Mean Girls” (and Guys, and Whoever) Show Up at Work

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One of the core tenants of The Leadership Laboratory is the value of positive psychology – thinking strategically about our word choice, actions, and framing to leverage a positive mindset to ultimately accomplish our goals and objectives.  As much as we hold this belief to be true, we’d be foolish not to acknowledge that toxic workplaces, and vengeful coworkers, exist. We’re lucky that our workshops are filled with individuals focusing on the stories of positive behaviors that they want to see repeated, and have participants who have the self-awareness to acknowledge a misstep here and there where the intended outcome did not match the impact.

Still, there are several who have experienced truly toxic individuals: controlling, manipulative behaviors that make the good party question if it was our fault all along.  Think Regina George from Tina Fey’s “Mean Girls” – the classic queen bee whose sometimes silent, always palpable manipulation was a central focal point that had us rooting against her from the start.

Knowing this: Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by a “Regina George” at work 🙋🙋🙋

You are not alone. Susan Forward, PhD, has been one of the leading voices behind understanding the psychology surrounding the instigators of toxic behaviors for decades.  In her book, “Emotional Blackmail: When The People In Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You”, she lays out key points of awareness to help individuals recognize when those they work with are leveraging emotionally manipulative behaviors, and steps we can all take to protect ourselves.

What is Emotional Blackmail?

There are several different types of emotional blackmail: some people issue aggressive threats, others quietly let us know what will happen if they don’t get their way, others still give us the “silent treatment” until we meet their demands.  The common theme, however, is that emotional blackmailers use “FOG”, or FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT, when communicating with their target, which makes it difficult to see how we are being treated.  They make us FEAR them, or what will happen to us if they don’t get their way.  They leverage emotional OBLIGATION – we owe them for getting us this far, or if we want a future dream to come true.  They create a sense of GUILT – our lack of compliance or complete fulfillment of their demands is somehow something wrong with us.  In short, their tactics are so calculated that they are able to successfully make us think that WE are the problem.

When exploring this concept, it’s critical to decipher the HUGE differences between casual conflict and the pattern of manipulation associated with emotional blackmail.  In conflict, we may have a disagreement with another individual, yet can then go back to the firm emotional ground of the relationship that we had before.  We may argue or disagree, though can reach a consensus and move forward (or, simply part ways).  With toxic individuals, there is an attempt, or real effort, to diminish the other person’s sense of self; one person grows their power at the expense of another. In her research, Forward comments that even in very strong disagreements, healthy conflict never involves trying to “beat the other person up emotionally.”  Emotional blackmail does just that.

What does the manipulation look like? And why do they do it?

No matter the situation, Forward identified that these toxic individuals typically leverage a specific six step process in their manipulation:

STEP 1: DEMAND – the blackmailer makes a demand

STEP 2: RESISTANCE – the target resists.

STEP 3: PRESSURE – the blackmailer exerts pressure (i.e. “I only want what’s best for your career” or “I thought we were friends?”)

STEP 4: THREATS – as the target continues to resist, the blackmailer makes threats (i.e. “If you can’t commit to this, maybe I should consider promoting someone else”)

STEP 5: COMPLIANCE – not wanting to jeopardize their relationship, or their personal long-term goals, the target agrees to the demand

STEP 6: REPEAT – the blackmailer, seeing their success, has now laid the groundwork to repeat this pattern again in the future, both with the current target and potential future ones

The question still remains: why do they do it?  What do these blackmailers get by punishing or threatening us until they get their way?  In her research, Forward observes that they are “usually frustrated individuals who feel they have to take drastic action in order to get things they consider vital to them”.  What’s most fascinating is their blindness to an alternate approach: it simply does not occur to the emotional blackmailers that positive, empathetic, collaborative conversations could result in them accomplishing their goals with far greater success.

According to Forward, emotional blackmail “sounds like it’s all about you, and feels like it’s all about you, but for the most part, it’s not about you at all. Instead, it flows from and tries to stabilize some fairly insecure places inside the blackmailer.”  When navigating emotional blackmail, the crucial first step is awareness.

If I’m the “target”, what can I do?

Recognizing whether or not the relationships we’re navigating fall into the category of emotional blackmail is a difficult task, though leveraging Forward’s research can help us to understand whether or not we’re in a truly toxic situation.  The truth is, we may not even realize the level of manipulation that is happening to us, because emotional blackmailers are quiet talented.  While their bad days are certainly memorable, they’re also filled with bouts of praise and compliments. It’s easy to “get drunk” and hold onto the good times when they happen, and think the bad days weren’t all that bad.  Forward’s assertion is, even though the blackmailers can and often do still have positive qualities and characteristics, their manipulation is almost never worth enduring.

And once you can recognize that you are in this situation, one of the most important strategies we can take next is to find someone impartial we can trust.  Whether it’s a coworker confidant internally, or a personal relationship externally, another set of eyes and ears can help us to take another look at the situations, reframe our current understanding, and find alternate solutions that work for us. And when the time does come to leave, or “get out” of the toxic work-based relationship, let that trusted advisor know that they can do to support you.

If movies like “Mean Girls” can teach us anything about emotional blackmail, it’s that you’re likely not alone.  There are an army of individuals who too have likely suffered by the toxic manipulation of this Machiavellian behavior, and there’s both strength and comfort in those numbers.  Be on the lookout for those who need support, and help lift up the voices who can help to design the culture that allows for positive, empathic, and collaborative behaviors to flourish.